Last Monday I started a new job in downtown Toronto. Having worked in more suburban areas surrounding the city, the air of coolness that comes with saying “I work downtown,” was something that had been eluding me for two years. Until now. Now I know I’ve made it.
When I emerged from the bustling subway station onto the street; Tame Impala blaring in my ears, my messenger bag across my tucked in dress clothes, an irremovable grin came across my face. Why? In that moment, I realized it: I’m finally a yuppie, and a proud one at that.
WHAT’S A YUPPIE?
For those that don’t know, a yuppie is a term from the 1980s that stands for young urban professional. Merriam-Webster defines a yuppie as, “a young college-educated adult who is employed in a well-paying profession and who lives and works in or near a large city.” Although this definition seems harmless, the term has often been used in a derogatory fashion. Yuppies have been considered arrogant, undeservedly wealthy, and obnoxious; people associated with high fashion clothing and gloating about their successes. Seems about right.
If this is such a bad term, why am I choosing to own it? Because being a yuppie is fucking rad, brother.
Let’s take a look at a day in the life of your typical yup to shed some light on why it’s great being a yuppie; and more importantly, why we’re great for the world.
6:00AM
My Amazon Alexa informs me that it’s time to get up and start kicking ass.
6:15AM
I begin to build my body at the local gym. Since I enjoy having a sense of community, I joined one only a 2 minute walk from my door. Plus, when’s the last time you heard of the heel-toe-express contributing to climate change?
7:00AM
I snap a few pics for me and my yuppie girl to enjoy. I do this before my pump goes away — people need to see this body in its natural form.
Once I have all of the right angles, I hop in a cold shower and wash with biodegradable soap; leaving me and my conscience clean.
Afterwards, I shave with my Harry’s razor before applying Lush Celestial moisturizer to my face.
7:30AM
Time to eat an organic, vegan breakfast — better for me and for the animals — and have an Italian style espresso. Once finished fueling my body, I meditate for 10 minutes and write in my journal. Like most yuppies, I have lots to think about and lots to say, so I need to put these energies somewhere.
I quickly throw on my Burberry flannel, Calvin Klein jeans, and slip on my Bass Weejun loafers; before I leave the house, I brush my teeth with my bamboo toothbrush and natural toothpaste, and smile.
8AM
I crack open my Kindle on the subway — I’m saving trees, brother — and read either classic fiction or a modern business book. I choose to stand while riding the train because my legs work better than most, and I like the way it makes my ass feel.
Once reaching my destination, I breath in the fresh downtown air flowing between towers and hop on a City Bike. Why own when you can share with your yuppy brethren? Plus, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve taken my car off the road #BeTheChange.
I fly across the city, passing all of the +40-year-olds in my way without using my bell, so I can grab coffee before work.
Coffee is essential, so I pay $7 for it. You may think I’m crazy but 1) it comes in a biodegradable cup 2) it’s Fair Trade, and 3) the shop has paper straws (I also love turtles), and 4) Tim Hortons tastes like cigarettes.
I put in my AirPods and listen to Jazz Vibes from Spotify on my walk to the office. Some may think these earbuds are ridiculously overpriced, but it’s 2019 — fuck your cords.
9AM
I work, I work like a dog. The world doesn’t give anything for free. You have to take it, brother.
6PM
It’s quitting time. I throw on my Patagonia Synchilla vest and leave the office with a few colleagues to grab some craft beers and vegan food nearby. After enjoying our locally sourced and produced meal, I make my way back to the City Bikes, and to the subway station that brought me to this wonderful place earlier in the day.
As I move further uptown, I see the faces of hundreds of others just like me. Doing well by-themselves, and doing right by the city that created them. I reflect on all I have accomplished in this glorious day, and a sense of pride washes over me; for I know that I have done good for myself and for the world.
I’m a yuppie, and I can’t wait to do it all again tomorrow.
